Do you feel like everything you do or say in your relationship backfires? Do you feel like this isn’t how you thought it would look? Are you caught in an argumentative loop, or passive aggressive cycle?
Have you thought to yourself that maybe you have something to do with creating the kind of love you’ve been experiencing in your relationship?
A lot of people get caught up in doing “what’s right” in their relationship, but instead it’s about doing what’s helpful. If I had to break down and simplify a kind, loving intention it would be in the form of this question, “Is what I’m about to do or say going to be helpful or harmful?”
That’s it. That’s the simple question that can be the compass to navigate you in all relationships and all interactions. It’s up to you and your intuition.
It takes slowing down in the present moment, stoping for a minute, and asking yourself, “is this Helpful or Harmful?” in a conflict or critical conversation.
You create a ripple effect in your relationship. It’s either going to be harmful or helpful. It’s going to be supportive or destructive.
It takes becoming aware and seeing the ripple effect of our own actions. Maybe what we thought was right, wasn't helpful at all. Maybe we thought we were helping someone, but they actually needed to do it themselves. Maybe we thought telling that person that we know better or that they’re wrong, isn't helpful at all.
How you’ve been reacting might be adding to the confusion of the situation. Many times listening, observing, and not over reacting is the best we can do.
What do I mean by is it helpful? It depends on the situation. Trust your gut. Check in by asking other helpful questions... Is it in the best interest of you or someone else? Is it what you really say you want and need? Are you about to teach someone to treat you in a way that is supportive and loving?
What do I mean by is it harmful? Is it coming from a painful place?Does it create harm for you to say what you’re about to say? Ask yourself, “Is what I'm about to say to my partner about THEM, or is it about ME?
You’ve probably heard that hurt people hurt people. It’s become a cliche. It's becoming cliche because it’s true. If we want to have a healthy relationship with others, we've got to be aware of the pain, frustration, sadness, skepticism, past trauma, judgments that we're bring into all of our interactions.
It takes us slowing down to understand and ask “Is what I'm about to say helpful, or is it harmful ?” Then follow up with the question, “Is this about them or me?” You may find that it's pain going on for YOU. A pain that you need to resolve. And when you shine a light on that truth, you place your attention on healing YOUR pain, rather than controlling anything else and creating more harm.
You can begin to make a step to heal that wound and internal dialogue you've been telling yourself. The best way to start this practice is now. In your next conversation with someone ask, “Is what I’m about to say helpful or harmful?” Get so good at it that it becomes an automatic check-in. You’re intentions will then always be honest.