When You Avoid Being Hurt, You Also Avoid Being Loved
Do you find yourself struggling like you have to be an A+ human all of the time?
Your struggles and pain are trying to tell you something. Don’t kill the messenger (aka your feelings).
My biggest regret in life (that I don’t beat myself up for anymore) is that “I should have known better”. I can’t go back and mend all of the relationships that went weird and messy. No, I can’t clean it all up. However, I can clean up how I respond now. I can clean up my heart from the shame build up. I can STOP chasing a broken message I tell myself.
Here’s the thing...
When you avoid being hurt, you also avoid being loved.
We have to let go of these controlling ideas and roles we think we need to play in our lives. We’re afraid if we don’t play these roles, we’ll loose out on love or be unloved. This type of thinking will kill our souls.
We developed these roles when we were young because of the love that we DIDN’T receive. We play out roles and false identities to AVOID not being hurt. Or, we ANXIOUSLY try to get people to like and love us. It may work for a little while, but it doesn’t last. It leaves us feeling empty, and it all derives from the pain of our past.
This need to have an A+ Appearance caught up to me.
I’d tell myself “Aaron you have to be an A+ boyfriend if you’re going to get the girl. Where’s that A+ Personality of yours Aaron?” I thought I had only two choices.
1. Throw myself at romance and anxiously think I had to prove my value to someone so they’d love me.
2. Avoid it all together because thats just unacheiveablely never going to happen for me.
Here’s the advice I needed. BE AUTHENTIC and VULNERABLE.
Neither anxious or avoidant survival modes worked. It’s not about TRYING to do the “right” thing. It’s about owning who you are. Being real. Being courageous enough to be vulnerable with someone and real enough to share your desires and fears even though that might be scary..
That’s actual intimacy. That’s actual connection. To attract or create that safe, intimate relationship, you have to first be willing to BE that person.
I’m Aaron, a heart-Centered Life Coach. If this sounds like you. If you feel trapped in harmful relationship patterns and you want to find meaningful love, click “Work With Me” to apply and book a complimentary call. I’d love to know how I can support you.