Deck The Halls, Not Your Family Workshop with Jenny Rain and Aaron Tosti
In this episode …
Jenny Rain returns to co-host an episode with Aaron about their holiday relationship workshop “Deck the Halls, Not Your Family” where they share 3 Keys to have a stress-free holiday season with family and friends.
Production by Aaron Tosti
Theme Music by Steve Wilmot
All other Music by Soundstripe
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SHOW NOTES
Intro
0 sec
Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.
A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.
Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.
Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it
40 sec
Jenny & Aaron’s intro…
This is a special episode with a special guest and co host, Jenny Rain to talk about our Holiday Workshop.
We hope to spread some cheer.
Jenny is all about spreading cheer.
The workshop was called “Deck the Halls, Not Your Family” and it was a lot of fun.
It’s all about learning how to love your friends and family during the holidays when relationship patterns show back up.
This was the 2nd annual workshop and we had some different things that came up for people.
There was a lot of problems we discussed.
The top 5 problems we talked about …
Dealing with the pressure of being in soooo many places at once & ending up exhausted after the holidays!!!
Having a lack of meaningful connections and quality time and people don’t think about that until they show up.
OLD stubborn patterns on repeat like…
Feeling guilty when we speak up
Feeling less than by certain friends/family members
Or family holding us to the 11 year old versions of ourselves
Attitudes from in-laws that we have to navigate. When you’re inlays become out-laws
People become resentful for carrying TOO much responsibility for having to do ALL the holiday preparations & not having support
Aaron was also talking with a client about how to co-parent during the holidays.
We covered 3 keys for a stress free holiday…
Don’t Deck, Connect
Master Courageous Communication
Unleash Invincible Boundaries
It’s amazing how people go back and boundaries become the overwhelming elephant in the room.
Aaron mentions that Jenny talks not only about personal boundaries but time and environment boundaries.
There’s a lot of good stuff.
Enjoy the Holiday Laughs.
WORKSHOP
4:50 min
We like to start the workshop off with our favorite Ram Dass Quote…
“If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.”
Family is a great revealer of all of the shadow work.
Jenny shares some Stats…
69% of people in the US argue with loved ones during the holidays.
66% People say they feel more stressed out during the holiday season.
3 out of 5 people feel their mental health is adversely affected by the holidays.
Aaron Jenny are going to take you on a journey.. as you go into the holidays with loved ones, you will have a holiday melody that carries you through.
We are going to share some heartfelt stories.
Have some Healing Holidays.
6:50 min
What We are Covering Today…
1 - Cultivating Safe enjoyable connections with family and friends while staying sane.
2 - Experience epic and authentic communicate that bridges conflict, even with the most difficult family members.
3 - Unleash a sense of invincible boundaries that break relationship patterns keeping you stuck in old cycles with family and friends.
Let’s make this holiday season the year you break patterns instead of decking your family.
How do you want this holiday season to be different ?
9:45 min
There’s not a lot of space for people talking about Adoption and what that’s like during the holidays.
Stay grounded and authentic during the holidays into 2024.
10 min
Aaron’s Story…
If we’ve never met before or you’ve getting familiar with my world... I’m Aaron Tosti.
I’m so grateful to be aware enough to know that my partner was not my problem, my wound was. And that has given me the FREEDOM to be my most Empowered, Unapologetic, Authentic Self
There I was... at the lowest point of my life, lying on the floor distraught after a heartbreak, knowing that I had “sabotaged” a relationship, but even AFTER it was over, I was STILL attached to the idea of trying to “make it work”. I had trouble being focused at work, enjoying time with friends, and even went through a series of rebounds.
If I was to change what was going on outside of me, I had to change what was going on inside. (slow down and focus on what was going on internally)
I had to get support, meet with coaches, friends, a therapist and be around people I could trust to create a safe space for me
I had to do self-study and get back to feeling like myself again. I literally stopped listening to sad music was was perpetuating my depression, and started listening to my favorite comedians to get out of my state
I had to COMMIT to new healthy habits and boundaries. I stopped drinking, smoking, I started putting healthy things into my body to eat, I got really clear on my “no’s” and where I was over committed. And what wasn’t serving me.
If I wanted my a healthy new relationship, I had to break up with my own unwanted patterns. I was single so I begin to heal the patterns within my family and close relationships.. FIRST
Now I know that to heal harmful relationship patterns, you have to heal yours.
And that’s possible. Many people think they have to look outward and DO MORE to “fix” their relationships. when the truth is you have to look within and REVEAL it to heal it.
Consider how important your relationships are... What does love really look like for you?
Do You have some patterns that you don’t think about much but during the holidays it’s like they all resurface.
What if you took radical acceptance and responsibility and didn’t see your loved ones as problems, but and opportunity to heal your wound.
14:45 min
Jenny’s reflection..
When you are dealing with heartbreak during the holidays, it can be excruciating.
Jenny remembers spending the holidays painfully single having family members ask about when you’re going to get married.
15:30 min
Jenny shares her Story…
The first time I set a boundary with my family, even nature celebrated the win.
Perhaps it was because I was 34 when it happened and I had gone a lifetime living without boundaries in my family, so when I was finally able to set the dang thing... it was a big deal. Nature noticed!
I grew up boundary-less. On one side of my family, boundaries were non-existent. As a child, I wasn’t allowed to have them. My mom hadn’t learned them, so she had no idea how to teach me how to create them.
The net result on that side of the family because of a lack of boundaries was enmeshment and triangulation.
I got pulled into a lot of spaces as a child - a lot of fights and conflict. My house sounded like a freight train ran through the middle of the living room at times.
The fury of family fights was all consuming. Avoiding the hair trigger that would set someone in my family steaming felt like I was tip toeing barefoot on wine glasses... trying not to shatter them. It was a constant dance to try and avoid the chaos.
It went on like this for years. All through my childhood..
I will never forget the day everything changed. I was 34 and visiting my mom and step-dad for the holidays. By this point I had completed 2 years of trauma therapy and extensive work on boundaries.
My mom and step dad were storming into conflict and at one point my mom turned to me and tried to triangulate me into their fight.
I didn’t take the bait. Instead I said, “your conflict - doesn’t involve me” and left.
It was a massive moment for me. It was the first time I had set a boundary and said “no.” Something in me broke wide open the moment I said no. Something long buried sprung to life again. It was glorious.
As I walked to my car, I glanced to the right and at that VERY moment a daffodil popped open and unfurled to reach the sunlight.
I was awestruck. It felt like all of nature was celebrating with me.
That was step one for me of a VERY long road of healing. A road I am still on today.
I continued in supportive therapeutic & coaching to help me identify the patterns that trapped me in patterns that kept me in the same toxic cycles with my family. Patterns like: Being the good girl; people pleasing; fawning/freezing; or the opposite - oppositional defiance.
I came to accept that my family was most likely never going to get the healing they needed so that meant the work would have to come from ME.
The reality of the dynamics in one side of my family is that my family has not chosen to do the healing work - so as a result..
I have had to set stringent boundaries with my time with them.
Always a start and end time, clear parameters, clear
communication guardrails, BECAUSE they aren’t taking responsibility for their mental health, and I’m choosing not to do the emotional labor for them, my holidays thrive to the level of the boundaries I have set.
We are not one big healthy, healed family -- but I have found a way to be in proximity to them that doesn’t devastate my nervous system.
I now say “no” to mandatory holiday gatherings when I need to... Does it make me sad that one side of my family has chosen not to do the deep healing work that would allow close, intimate relationships to occur in a safe way? Yes.
We want to have loving relationships, but I’ve realized it takes two -- and if the other person can’t meet you in a similar capacity, there have to be boundaries in place.
20:30 min
“Make your boundary big enough so that you can be in your own integrity so that you can give generously” - Brene Brown
It’s ok take care of yourself, your own family and your partner.
How are you at setting boundaries with your family? - What about your partner?
Ever had nature celebrate your boundary?
21:30 min
Key #1 Don’t Deck, Connect
Problems you may encounter…
A relative or friend that drives you insane
Parentification
Toxic people in your circle
Family/friends holding you to your past self
Feeling obligated to show up a certain way
…feeling forgotten, left out, and abandon.
…passive aggressive
What happens when you start to get healthier.. people say “you’ve changed” and
24 min
Aaron talks about looking at relationships with compassion over comparison.
…Not seeing your family as a threat
… Having compassion and seeing that we’re all humans with a wounded history
…Learning how to emotionally become centered and regulate, relate, reason
Two dysregulated people can’t come together.
25:50 min
It can be challenging, we may want to deck our family instead of connecting.
That also means having compassion for self.
Jenny’s practices
…Awareness of environment
Take the time you need to yourself, and putting on your oxygen mask first.
Taking of your mask if you’ve been the “nice” guy or girl in the past.
If you’re nervous system isn’t on board, you’re not going to be able to connect.
What does it mean to be an authentic family member ?
27:30 min
Aaron shares a short story..
Your family members are just humans with a wounded history.
After a devastating break up I started noticing how I was showing up around my family.
I would shrink and feel small.
Seeing a sibling with similar wounds showing up in a different way.
It’s good to have empathy and understanding, but compassion is letting someone off the hook.
… I see you and that part of you thats wounded.
28:90 min
When things get heated Aaron asks, “What if..” And goes for the reframe with compassion.
Compassion isn’t peacemaking.
Jenny’s thoughts…
Service oriented healers, practitioners, therapist have a challenge because we get why other people are doing things, give space and compassion, but it doesn’t mean you have to tolerate the behavior.
You don’t have to violate your boundaries to make amens.
30:50 min
Jenny’s shares her Client’s story..
She had been raised by a Narcissistic mother and married a Narcissistic partner
She said, “I started to wonder, maybe I deserve more than what I've been accustomed to creating in relationships? That's why I came to you....”
“I'm a creature of habit. I don't like my habits. They're not good. I don't want to be here anymore! When I came to you for help I had decided, ‘We're not going to do it my way. I'm going to try yours.’”
She told Jenny that her program has equipped me with a…
- relationship blueprint,
- a set of beautiful boundaries for myself, and
- I have found the agency and courage to use them both.”
I had a massive takaway in the boundaries -- how important the beliefs are around boundaries, and that there is a COST! to not having them.
“I'm light years ahead from where I was before! Your program gave me incredible tools; You elevated my awareness of who I am.
You elevated my potential for relationships.”
That’s what this work is all about. You come out with skills and tools to enjoy your relationships.
33 min
Key #2 - Mastering Courageous Communication
Problems you may encounter…
Not feeling safe to talk about uncomfortable topics, like politics, religious views, cancel culture
Feeling triggered and not knowing how to create a safe communication style
Continual misunderstandings and assumptions that lead to arguments
It’s hard Being Courageous conversations with all the “isms” and phobias
Listening without formulating a response
Hold space to get curious over confusion
Listen and ask question over assumptions.
It lower the other persons threat response, and the nervous system start to get in-sync.
36:50 min
Aaron’s shares a story about an interaction with his mom
When you can tell someone else in their threat and activated response.
… what’s underneath is fear.
There was a hurricane in Florida, Aaron lives in Tennessee, and his mom was in California.
She was sending him all caps text messages telling Aaron to “get out of there”.
In the past Aaron may have said some dismiss sarcastic things.
This time he knew she was in fear and serval, and he asked her “what’s scary right now ?”
It changed her tone. And it calmed her.
And that can help people co-regulate together.
Jenny says, “thats a really great question for women.”
39 min
Jenny’s feedback and practical advice…
Learning to catch ANTS an automatic negative thought
For her she caught her self thinking,“What’s wrong with you?”
Slowing down is your superpower.
She realized that there was nothing wrong with her.
Catch it, grab it, examine it, and respond differently to it.
40:45 min
Aaron’s Client Story
Sometimes our patterns are hiding in plain sight.
His client was already engaged to the man of her dreams, and she was still struggling to find approval and love. She was trying to get her partner to see her value. She got lost in trying to prove her self.
Everything she worried about was in her head.
Many times it’s the negative conversations in our head that need an interrupt.
Our pain gets so loud some times
Change the lens and the perspective.
42:45 min
Key #3 - Unleash invisible boundaries
Problems you may encounter…
Neglecting your needs to meet the wants, needs, or demands of others
Felling unseen, unheard, mute or inauthentic
Tired of being a mediator, savior, or rescuer of others
Being scared to set a boundary
Fear of disapproval or backlash
There’s an opportunity to know when to repair a rupture.
Also Knowing when to walk away when it’s a hot moment.
Providing a buffer if there’s toxic energy.
Help your partner without going into a codependent caretaking mode.
Understanding What’s about them vs you.
Use proximity, environment, clear language, and asserting yourself when setting boundaries.
45 min
Jenny’s uses Scripts which she got from Terri Cole
A lot of times humans go into freeze mode, you have the words ready right in front of you.
If she and her partner have a conflict, she pulls out a script.
Watch out for narcissistic Schedule bombs.. bombing changes at the last minute and expect everyone to change for them.
Go back to the original plan.
47:10 min
Aaron brings up caretaking vs care giving and knowing the difference.
If you are caretaking, then you’re wanting something out of it.
Aaron Client’s story…
She doubted herself around a toxic Aunt.
Her husband said “Press eject” from the thoughts that are holding you back and keeping you stuck.
Don’t take emotional responsibility for the other person.
Interrupt thoughts and that will interrupt behavioral patterns.
So what do you want your story to be this year ?
Go from ___ to ___ in ____ amount of days/months.
What will that look like for you ?
50:35 min
Jenny and Aaron Outro
We hope that you enjoyed this years presentation of Deck the Halls, Not Your Family and that it equipped you to have a fun holiday and be memorable for all of the right reasons.
You CAN cultivate safe, enjoyable connection with your family all while staying sane.
You CAN experience epic AND authentic communication that bridges conflict, even with the most difficult family members and friends.
You can use YOUR invincible boundaries and break relationship patterns keeping you stuck in old cycles with family & friends.
Take Action and get support..
Maybe you are hoping for support.
Jenny and Aaron are offering Pay What You Can Coaching during the Holiday Season to a select few.
You can connect with Aaron here..
Aarontosti.com/yourempoweredself
You can connect with Jenny and book a complimentary call with her here…
We would love to encourage you to have a wonderful holiday season.
We want you to love the crap out of yourself and your family.
Have some jingle bells, tinsel, and your favorite holiday songs.
Merry Holidays !!
53 min Closing
Hey, Thank you so much for listening!
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Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti
Thanks again,
I’m Aaron.
Best of Love to You
FIND THE FREEDOM TO BE YOUR MOST AUTHENTIC, UNAPOLOGETIC SELF AND ATTRACT THE LOVE YOU DESERVE.
— Aaron Tosti, Self Healing Coach